Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Siiir! I have a Plahn!

Via the DailyKos, the Washington Post is now reporting that the Bush Administration is claiming that it needs not only secret evidence in terror trials, but also secret legal theories to argue against the defendants. Here's the pull quote:

ATTORNEYS FOR the Justice Department appeared before a federal judge in Washington this month and asked him to dismiss a lawsuit over the detention of a U.S. citizen, basing their request not merely on secret evidence but also on secret legal arguments. The government contends that the legal theory by which it would defend its behavior should be immune from debate in court. This position is alien to the history and premise of Anglo-American jurisprudence, which assumes that opposing lawyers will challenge one another's arguments.

This really is completely unprecedented, that a defendant would not only be unable to see the evidence and the accuser being used against him, but even the legal argument for his detention. However, KN has acquired a leaked copy of the legal memo that discusses the theory, a new jurisprudence Justice Department lawyers are calling "Just Cause Theory." The chief feature of the new argument is the claim that the Government can hold defendants without trial "Just 'Cause."

The theories cannot be revealed to the public, not because it would put intelligence assets at risk, but because it would put the dimensional sanctity of Earth in danger. The theory was recovered from one of the ancient Cthonic tomes that are always driving people insane in H.P. Lovecraft stories. The mortal mind cannot withstand the fearsome and nameless non-Euclidian symmetries of the theory-- glaring and gibbering from the dark corners of unholy spheres(1)--and so making it a matter of common knowledge would only lead to an epidemic of fatalism, nihilism and suicide.

I think it's a good thing that our government is thinking so proactively of new ways to defend us. Credible intelligence sources have revealed that Iran is developing new legal theories that could reach Rome or London with 45 minutes. They could also sell these new legal pleas to the highest bidder. We cannot allow the smoking gun to be a civil suit. And we cannot allow a crazy-secret legal theory gap.

Thank you, and God bless America.

(1)-- Yes, in the Cthonic reaches, spheres have corners. What do you think of that?!