Monday, April 19, 2004

Kikuchiyo Translations Service Presents:

John Kerry v. Tim Russert on NBC NEWS' MEET THE PRESS. They insisted on the caps.

MR. RUSSERT: As you well know, this is a 50-50 race between Bush and Kerry, but there is one area where the president has opened up in a significant lead. And in the interest of candor and clarity, I want to give you a chance to answer a question right up top, and I promise we'll talk about the nuance later on. But the American people, I think, would like a yes or no answer: Do you believe the war in Iraq was a mistake?

KIKUCHIYO: Any chance of getting an answer out of you on this one that makes some sense? It's been a few months now. You've been publicly berated by pretty much every side of this debate for failing to say anything that we can distill down to a soundbite. So? How about it? Give us a little 'the war was the worst idea since we decided that the blip on the radar at Pearl Harbor was just a flight of B-52's,' or a bit of the old 'if yer talkin' down my war for democracy and freedom then yer walking on the fightin side of me.'

SEN. KERRY: I think the way the president went to war is a mistake.

KIKUCHIYO: Screw you, Timmy.

MR. RUSSERT: Let me show you what the American people have been saying about statements the candidates have been making: Which candidate says what he believes? Bush, 53; Kerry, 38. Senator Kerry says what he believes, just 33; thinks--he says what he thinks people want to hear, 57.

KIKUCHIYO: Screw you too, you waffle head. Nobody wants to play with you anyway. I shall now ask you questions as though you were a presidential candidate and not an extrodinarily animated piece of driftwood, because that's what I get paid to do. It's not because I like you, though.

MR. RUSSERT: This is what you wrote in The Washington Post last Tuesday: "Our country has committed to help the Iraqis build a stable, peaceful and pluralistic society. No matter who is elected president in November, we will persevere in that mission."

KIKUCHIYO: So, you're pretty much a kind of dopey version of George Bush with an astonishingly long head and greater affinity for French food, eh?

SEN. KERRY: It's different. Let me explain the difference. You know, last night I got a phone call, Tim, from a great friend of mine from Vietnam, and he was agonized, as I think a lot of veterans are, as they see our young men and women over there trying to distinguish between friend and foe, being ambushed in convoys, not even safe on the airport road, from the airport to Baghdad. I mean, this is extraordinary where we find ourselves. This administration misled America. Nothing is more important than how a president takes a nation to war, how a president decides to put young men and women at risk for our nation. I believe this president broke faith with the rules of how a president does that. He even broke faith with his own promises to the country.

KIKUCHIYO: Um, actually it's that I'm like George Bush except that I'm not a drooling moron, Tim. You see, this is a President recognized by the entire non-mayonnaise-sandwich-eating, literate, good looking world as being slightly less intelligent and crafty than a lightly boiled eggplant. In addition to this minor shortcoming, Mr. Bush is a filthy lying liar liggiddy-lie-lizz-iar. Biach! And the Democratic party is damn straight ready to regulate, snatch him from the backside and slap the taste straight the f**k out of his mouth. I ain't sh****g, fool. Proof? My pal Walter Sobchak called just last night to let me know that, as far as Walter is concerned, President Bush is entering a world of pain. When Walter says that, you know that there's about to be some caps busted in the place.

MR. RUSSERT: But what can you do now, Senator?

KIKUCHIYO: Ok, enough of your creepily dated hip-hop talking points. Get past the pain and talk about the war, buddy.

SEN. KERRY: I'll tell you exactly, but it's important to understand why so many countries are unwilling to come to the table now. It may well be that we need a new president, a breath of fresh air, to re-establish credibility with the rest of the world so that we can have a believable administration as to how we proceed.

KIKUCHIYO: I learned a lot in Vietnam. One thing that I learned is that nobody wants to follow a man into a dangerous jungle when he's so dumb stupid that he's wearing his pants backwards and his firearm is loaded with chapstick tubes. I think that the analogy is clear, Tim. People need to understand that the rest of the world doesn't have Republicans. They don't understand it. They're frightened and unsure of how to react to a guy like George Bush. What America needs is a leader who, with old world charm and cynical posturing, pursues nearly identical policies to the current President while insisting that he is very, very sorry about the whole thing. Look at this face, Tim. Look at the deep lines, and the sheer elongation of the whole affair. I think that this is a face that can say to the world, "America owns you, and we just showed up to tell your punk asses that the rent is due. But we're terribly sorry for it to come to this."

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